Happy Monday! I hope you all had a great Father’s Day weekend. I had a fantastic weekend visiting with family. Staying in a house with at least three other adults meant that I actually got a break from mommy duties! I had at least 3 cups of coffee without once having to re-heat my cup! I even got to take a shower without little ones banging on the door. It was marvelous.
I love visiting with family, because they take the kids and I get to just be. I don’t have to do anything at all except sit there, drinking my cup of coffee. Unfortunately, our closest family lives 2.5 hours away, so those moments of silent, childless bliss are few and far between.
I love my kids to the moon and back, but sometimes I need to get away for a minute, clear my head, and refill my energy tank. Days when my kids pester with their never-ending demands and Oscar worthy tantrums can leave me wanting to pull my hair out. When family isn’t there to entertain the kids, I look to my husband to watch the kids while I escape for a moment to regroup. The problem is, on the particularly trying days, he may not be willing to take on the angry kid monsters by himself. So…sometimes I may stretch the truth to sneak away. I don’t normally advocate for dishonesty in a relationship, but here are 7 ways to pull one over on your spouse so you can escape your kids for a few blessed moments of silence.
7 (little white) lies to tell your spouse:
1. I’m answering an important email
When the kids are especially rowdy (think pre bed time), leave the kids with daddy to “answer an important email.” Shut yourself in the office and give yourself a 10 minute time-out to watch cat videos on YouTube. Hang on to those feelings of fuzzy contentment when you head out to endure the endlessly painful “I need a story, song, and glass of water” bedtime routine.
2. I need to go look for something in the car
To sneak in 5 precious minutes of time where little children can’t bite, crawl on, hang off of, or generally harass you, use the pretense of going to your car to look for your wallet, phone charger, or important piece of paperwork. With a little bit a forethought, you can actually leave something important in your car, knowing that you’ll need to eventually return with evidence in hand. Utilize this tactic in early spring and autumn, so you don’t roast or freeze to death in the car.
3. I have diarrhea, I’m going to be a while.
For this to work, you actually have to be able to shut the bathroom door and lock it before your kids realize that mommy has to “go”. Distract the kids with dad, and make a break for it. Make sure to stash a book and a candy bar in the bathroom ahead of time. Flush every few minutes and moan for effect. This tactic can buy you a solid 25-35 minutes of alone time. When you decide to leave your haven, be sure to spray some air freshener, turn on the fan, and say “trust me, you don’t want to go in there for a while.”
4. I’ll be in the basement (or attic) trying to find…
If you are feeling especially evil, set up a messy craft that your kids adore that will keep them occupied for at least 30 minutes (like finger paints, bubbles, or Legos etc.). As soon as your little Da Vinci’ are occupied, leave your spouse in charge and “go look for…” whatever. It doesn’t really matter. Just mumble under your breath about needing to find something and then don’t return until they are all done with craft time. Make sure not to post or like anything on Facebook during this time, or you’ll be found out. Using your kindle app for some quiet reading time is a safer bet.
5. Dinner isn’t done cooking yet
While your spouse fends off the hangry hostiles, surreptitiously sip some wine while you cook dinner on a lower heat for longer. You’ll give yourself an extra 5 minutes for the wine to take effect before your food flinging chimps kids descend upon the table for dinner.
6. Don’t let them in here, there’s cleaner on the floor
This one takes an ounce of effort, but it’s worth it. Leave your spouse to deal with the kids, and lock yourself into the bathroom with a mop, cleaning spray, and some rubber gloves. You may actually have to clean the bathroom, but once you’re done, enjoy a hot bubble bath in your freshly cleaned tub. If your spouse knocks and asks if you’re done yet, just shout, “Don’t come in here! There’s cleaner everywhere, and I mopped myself into the corner.”
7. I’m not done here, I’ll text you when I’m on my way.
Embrace that elusive chance to get errands done sans children by taking as much time as you please. Push the grocery cart slowly up and down every aisle, let one or two people ahead of you in line at the bank, and stop at a coffee shop on your way home. Circle the neighborhood one or two times to finish your drink while it’s still hot, and crank up the radio with your own music. Relish the fact that you’re in your car without having to endure painful torture listen to the soundtrack of Frozen for the 8 millionth time.
Try one or two of these, and you’ll get at least a 5 minute time out from the kids. Enjoy the silence, relax, and regroup. You’ll be a better parent for it. You deserve a few minutes to yourself. Don’t feel bad for taking advantage of your spouse every now and again. I promise, they do the same thing to you when they can.