Motherhood

Moving Forward After Miscarriage

April 20, 2015

pregnancy silhouette

March 1 my husband and I found out I was pregnant.

I called the doctor, and my first appointment was set for March 31. It was the longest wait of my life for that first appointment. An even longer wait in the waiting room. They were running behind, and I had to wait an hour after my scheduled appointment time to see the doctor. The doctor started the ultrasound, and I immediately saw the look of concern on her face as she scanned and scanned some more. I could see what she saw.  Two babies. No heart beats.

My son had a twin. It died before 12 weeks and I miscarried the one baby. When I went in for the first appointment, they saw the same thing as the most recent pregnancy, two babies and no heartbeats. I had to go back two weeks later, which is when they saw my son’s heartbeat. They gave me a 50% chance of carrying my son to term. I was on bed rest for three weeks, but my son survived. He is a healthy and thriving toddler today, full of mischief and joy. Because of my history with my son, the doctor wanted to see me again in a week. She made it clear that, although they wanted to see me again, she didn’t think that this pregnancy would have a happy ending.

One week after that first appointment she confirmed that the pregnancy had ended. They gave us three options.

  1. Dilation and curettage
  2. Take Cytotec to induce quicker miscarriage
  3. Wait it out naturally and come back if I hemorrhage

I had to have a 12 week D&C with my second miscarriage. It was traumatic, painful, and not anything I ever wanted to replicate. Cytotec, while used often by obstetricians, has a frightening and not nearly discussed enough history of uterine rupture and maternal death when used on pregnant women. It’s just not a drug that I am comfortable using, when given the choice.  That left me choice number 3. A choice I am still waiting for an outcome from.

And so I sit, staring at my computer screen, dead babies still inside me, trying to find the right words. I want to write something meaningful, something that will bring other women peace or understanding. But, I don’t think that there is anything that truly can be said after a loss.  Miscarriage carries a special kind of grief that only a woman who has had a miscarriage can understand.

Waiting for the pregnancy to physically pass, I’m left with a hole in my heart for the babies that I will never hold. But it’s more than just the physical and emotional trauma of loss. It’s first words never spoken. Birthdays never celebrated. Graduations never attended. It’s the hope and joy and expectations for a life filled with memories of the beautiful child growing inside of you suddenly ended. No explanations. No reasons. No warning. Just over.

It has been two long weeks of waiting. Two weeks of anger. Two weeks of sadness and depression. It has also been two weeks of realizing that in the midst of personal tragedy, I am blessed beyond belief.

Two days after the doctor confirmed the miscarriage, two huge, beautiful bouquets of flowers arrived at my door from three friends that I love dearly. Their thoughtfulness, their recognition of my loss, their simple notes of “We love you and we are here if you need to talk” left me in a puddle of tears. Just knowing that other people knew about, and cared about, my babies that will never be has made the pain bearable.

I have had two weeks of cuddling my two beautiful children, whose presence makes bearable, but doesn’t take away, the pain of miscarriage. But because of them, I keep going. They need me, and for that I am forever thankful.

I have had two weeks of seeing my husband’s strength, as he holds me while I sob uncontrollably. Even though he too is grieving the loss of the babies. Emotionally, he feels the loss of the pregnancy just as much as I do.

Two weeks of trying to figure out where and how to go on from here. How do you move on after something like a miscarriage? It’s something I am learning how to do each and every time it happens. What I have learned is that you can’t move on from a miscarriage. The sadness stays with you always. It just becomes less acutely painful over time. You can only move forward.

You learn to live with the memory of what could have been but will never be. You find ways of keeping their memory alive, and you live. You just have to move forward.  One day at a time, one step at a time. I am so blessed to have the support system I have. I am able to lean on family and friends who love me and will help me through my loss.

After my first miscarriage, I had baby feet tattooed onto my right foot. I felt like I needed some sort of physical proof that my baby had existed. Though they lived only a short time inside of me, I wanted the memory to stay with me forever.

After the second miscarriage, and the loss of my son’s twin, my husband and I planted two apple trees in our front yard. I wanted to have something beautiful that would bloom and give back to the world year after year.

I haven’t yet decided how I will move forward after this miscarriage. I probably won’t decide until it’s officially over. I still haven’t had the time to process it like I need to. I haven’t moved on, but I am moving forward.

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48 Comments

  • Reply Starlight Birth Services April 20, 2015 at 3:20 pm

    <3 <3 <3 I am here. Whatever you need. <3 <3 <3

  • Reply Kayla @ Shoeaholicnomore April 20, 2015 at 3:29 pm

    Kristi, it was very brave of you to share this story with us. I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending good thoughts your way!

    • Reply ModerateMuse April 21, 2015 at 11:35 am

      Thank you, Kayla. I didn’t feel brave when I posted. I wrote this as a a form of catharsis, not really expecting much in the way of feedback.I have been blown away by the everyone’s kindness, support, and encouragement.

  • Reply Angel April 20, 2015 at 3:48 pm

    We will have you in our prayers. I know from second hand presceptive, how hard I can be on one. I love you, even if I don’t see you that much.

    • Reply ModerateMuse April 21, 2015 at 11:39 am

      Love you too, Angel. It’s a shame we all live so spread out.

  • Reply Cat Alford April 20, 2015 at 3:58 pm

    So sorry for your loss. <3

    • Reply ModerateMuse April 21, 2015 at 11:36 am

      Thank you for encouraging me to write about this, Cat. I don’t think I would have been able to do it without your support.

  • Reply Alisha April 21, 2015 at 12:01 am

    I am sorry for your loss. I too have a baby waiting in heaven. Dont forget we will one day get to hug them; when we get to heaven too. I love you cuz!

    • Reply ModerateMuse April 21, 2015 at 11:38 am

      Thank you, Alisha. I love you too! I’m so sorry to hear that you have had to experience miscarriage. My faith, and knowing that one day I may see them, has really helped me keep going.

  • Reply Mandy April 26, 2015 at 12:47 am

    Thanks for sharing your story. I also had a miscarriage. Ttc for 5yrs now.

    • Reply ModerateMuse April 26, 2015 at 10:50 am

      I’m so sorry for your loss, and I am so sorry for your struggle. Thank you for sharing your story here. The love and support of woman all coming together here has just blown me away.

  • Reply Julie Blackwell April 26, 2015 at 1:36 am

    I’m so sorry for your losses..I know how you feel…I have had four miscarriages total. I had one miscarriage in 2008 (7 weeks), a live birth in 2009 (got pregnant 3 months after miscarriage – daughter will be 6 in May), another miscarriage in 2013, 2014, and 2015. These last three miscarriages were all at (9 weeks). Started some testing towards end of last year. All of those labs came back negative. I am now getting referred to a reproductive clinic to do additional testing. Not sure what is going on but my doctor believes it has something to do with mine and baby’s blood and placenta ?? I’m O- blood type. It’s hard to go on because my daughter wants a brother so bad and I can’t even give her that. On top of that, my boyfriend doesn’t want to try anymore because the toll it has put on myself mostly (plus D&C’s are not cheap and I have to pay out of pocket for whatever my insurance doesn’t cover). I really want to try again but I’m scared that I’ll miscarry again. My doctor is worried because I’ve had three consecutive miscarriages in a row now and says that the next time I get pregnant, I will probably miscarriage again because of my history..Wish I knew why these are happening and wish I could at least carry one more baby to term. I want so bad for my daughter to have a sibling.

    • Reply ModerateMuse April 26, 2015 at 10:49 am

      I want you to know that I know exactly how you feel. Every day I wish I knew what was wrong so I can fix it. You feel like if they can pinpoint something wrong then you can fix it and never have to experience the pain of loss again. Ask your doctor to talk to your insurance company about testing, since you have had multiple losses. There are certain blood panels they can draw up to see if clotting disorders, etc. may be affecting your pregnancies. I’m not a doctor, obviously, so take my suggestion with a grain of salt. I just hope that they can find answers for you. Please know that you can email me if you ever want to talk about it. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Stay strong

  • Reply mum to an angel April 26, 2015 at 1:39 am

    Well done for writing this! There is so much stigma and taboo surrounding miscarriage that all too often we are told not to talk about it,move forward, time is a healer etc etc. I miscarried at 6 weeks but didn’t find out till I was 12 weeks. Mother nature’s cruel trick.
    It’s a pain that’s indescribable. An emptiness and longing that cannot be compared. It gets bearable over time, but never leaves us completely.
    4 years on, I still have days when I sob for the baby I didn’t get too hold, the smile I never saw and the future that wasn’t to be. But the love, that will live on. I am a mummy to 4. 3 gorgeous, healthy wonderful, living children and a sweet angel. All of whom I love with all my heart.
    sending you heartfelt love from one mummy to another. Xx

    • Reply ModerateMuse April 26, 2015 at 10:36 am

      I’m so sorry for your loss. Going in for a 12 week ultrasound and seeing no heartbeat is so immeasurably painful. Thank you for sharing with me. Your children are lucky to call you mummy.

      Part of why I decided to write about my experience is because I’m sick of the silence. People never talk about it. So, when someone does talk about it, most people who haven’t experienced it stick their foot in their mouth. I wish more and more women would open up about their loss. There should be no shame in turning to family and friends and saying, “I’m grieving, and I would like you to grieve with me or at least for me.”

  • Reply heather kilpatrick April 26, 2015 at 1:44 am

    wow I’m so sorry, you are a wonderful person thank you for sharing your story. my heart is breaking for you. I lost my baby on April 13th.

    • Reply ModerateMuse April 26, 2015 at 10:37 am

      I’m so so sorry for your loss, Heather. I’m hear if you ever feel the need to talk about it.

  • Reply Danielle April 26, 2015 at 2:10 am

    This happened to me last year after waiting a month I decided to take the cytotec and ended up in emergency because of the blood loss , it’s so hard I know but wait it out if you can , it’s a very stressful time , I had gone to my 12 week scan to find out that the Heartbeat had stopped in the days before , this was the second loss in 8 months I also have a happy healthy toddler , please email me if you need to chat xx

    • Reply ModerateMuse April 26, 2015 at 10:41 am

      Going in for a 12 week scan to see no heartbeat is so painful. They have built you up to this illusion of safety since you have “reached the second trimester.” I’m so so so sorry for your losses. I’m here too, if you ever want to talk about it. Please know that you are in my thoughts.

  • Reply Sarah April 26, 2015 at 2:41 am

    This is a beautiful story. Your family are in my thoughts and prayers. 27 years ago I had a positive home pregnancy test, and then another positive at the family planning clinic. I was so excited,. My 8 year old son wanted a sibling so very much. I then made an appointment with my regular Ob/Gyn and could barely wait the several weeks until she could see me. During the exam she asked me if I was sure I was pregnant because she couldn’t feel one. I couldn’t understand how that could be was confused, overwhelmed and worried. She then sent me for an internal ultrasound, which was a new tool at the time. The tech had found my little one and raced from the room to get the official results and contact the Dr. I was told only that I could get dressed but not to leave until the Dr called. As it turned out, I had an ectopic pregnancy and was told to go home rest, and wait for them to schedule surgery and that if I had pain to go to the ER immediately. That night, I had the worst pain of my life. I couldn’t tell if it was at the ends of my hair or the tips of my toes. I went to the ER and then had emergency surgery as my tube had burst. I still didn’t understand that it was my life they were saving. I thought they were going to move my baby to my womb and all would be well. The truth was not apparent to me until after I woke up following the surgery. I was devastated. I never bore another child but God blessed me with many children to love and care for over the years. If I may be so bold to suggest a tribute to your latest little angels… Make a stepping stone to place beneath the apple trees with the handprints of yourself, your husband and your live child arranged like a heart and around the edges, tiny footprints, apples, and little angels.

    • Reply ModerateMuse April 26, 2015 at 10:27 am

      Ectopic pregnancy is so very terrifying. Thank you for sharing your story here with me. I love your idea for the tribute, but unfortunately, we have moved away from our apple trees. I do love the idea for the garden stones though.

  • Reply ModerateMuse April 26, 2015 at 10:23 am

    I’m so sorry for your losses, Stacey. Nothing can take that pain of loss away, but please know that you too will be in my prayers.

  • Reply Sara S April 26, 2015 at 12:33 pm

    I know just how you feel! I waited three weeks last fall to lose the remains of my baby. I can remember thinking on Thanksgiving day how thankful I felt to be able to spend a holiday with my baby, even if it was just it’s body. Just focus on getting through one moment at a time. I chose option #3 also. I’ve read multiple places that you’re more fertile in the first couple cycles after miscarriage, and that proved true for me. Keep hanging in there! Much love

    • Reply ModerateMuse April 26, 2015 at 1:11 pm

      Thank you for your love and kind words, Sara. Sharing my story and talking about it with women like you has made this whole situation just a bit more bearable. Hugs to you!

  • Reply Lindsey April 26, 2015 at 1:06 pm

    Hi, I just wanted to let you know I’m going through the exact same thing as you. Only difference is I can’t see my doctor until tomorrow. I went to the ER on Friday and they told me my baby has no heartbeat. I don’t understand because it was fine at 8 weeks. Developing perfectly and I saw and heard the little heartbeat. Now there is nothing, it stopped developing 3 weeks ago and I’ve been diagnosed with “fetal death” now I just wait. It’s such a horrible feeling.

    • Reply ModerateMuse April 26, 2015 at 1:10 pm

      I’m so sorry for your loss. The waiting is horrible, but having seen your baby growing strong with a steady heartbeat makes the heartache unbearable. Please know that you’re not alone in this. You and your precious baby are in my thoughts.

  • Reply Arianne May 1, 2015 at 2:31 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. I had a loss as well, back in January, I took a pregnancy test on new year’s eve and it came out positive, my boyfriend and I thought it was an amazing way to start the year, although we were scared for the future. I had my first appointment a week later and the Doctor confirmed I was three weeks pregnant, unfortunately, a week later I had bleeding and cramps, so we called in to have an emergency appointment. She told us it was a threatened miscarriage and ordered me to be in bed for two weeks, the baby was very small and its hearbeat was very, very weak, but I was certain that with enough praying, he would get better. A couple of days later, I was bleeding again, but not as bad, so I called her and she told me to take the medicine again and continue with the bed rest. The two weeks were up, the longest two weeks of my life, and this time my mom went with me and as I was looking at the screen, I couldn’t see a thing, the Doctor was quiet and in the most subtle way, told me the baby hadn’t grown since she had seen me and that this time, there was no heartbeat and the gestatoinal sac was abnormal.She also gave me three options, I chose to take Cytotec to make it easier and to be able to be at home. That has been the worst week of my life. The physical and emotional pain is completely unbearable. There is so much anger and frustration and all the thoughts running through your head, which you just can’t let go of. It’s taken me a while, but I can say I’m better, I understand that sometimes these things happen and I don’t know if I can have the strength to try to get pregnant again, but I’ve made peace with myself, with God and with fate. You and your babies are in my thoughts and I hope you find a way to keep them physically with you. I’ve also thought of a tattoo. Hugs to you!

    • Reply ModerateMuse May 4, 2015 at 11:23 am

      Arianne, I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story here. Miscarriage is a terrible thing to have to go through. You and yours are in my thoughts as well. Hugs to you too!

  • Reply Stephanie May 16, 2015 at 1:12 am

    Thank you so much for writing this. I just found out today that my pregnancy never developed and this is the second miscarriage I’ve had in a row. I’m just floating in this weird state that I don’t know what to do with myself. I know that I will have to get testing done to begin to try to figure out what is going on.

    So much you’ve said I can agree with. One day at a time right?

    • Reply ModerateMuse May 16, 2015 at 1:28 am

      I am so so sorry for your losses, Stephanie. Take all the time you need to grieve and find a way to move forward. Please know that you are not alone in your grief. Testing is a great way to find to sometimes find peace. Testing gave us an answer with our second miscarriage that let us know that what happened was not our fault. It helped give us peace. I hope that you too can find some comfort. And you are so right. Just take it one day at a time.

  • Reply Amelia May 19, 2015 at 12:15 am

    Thank you for putting this out there. I lost (am still losing?…not sure what the phrasing should be) my fifth child throughout this past week at 7 weeks. Since it’s my first mc they will not be testing which is making me bananas. I am surprised by my hesitancy to talk about what we’re going through-I’ve been vocal on so many things, from surviving twins to leaving my abusive marriage to my fourth child’s prenatal diagnosis of Trisomy 21 or Down Syndrome. Reading your words gives me courage that I can be bold and speak out again soon.

    • Reply ModerateMuse May 19, 2015 at 2:21 am

      Amelia, thank you for commenting here and helping me to know that I am not alone in this either. I am so sorry for your loss that you are still going through, and I am sorry for your previous losses. My heart goes out to you. We too have lost 5 babies altogether. It’s a heartbreaking thing, but I am so glad that you feel the courage to speak out about it now. Don’t isolate yourself during the time that you need friends and family the most.

  • Reply bedelia624 May 19, 2015 at 12:24 am

    Thank you for putting this out there. I lost (am still losing technically?) my fifth child throughout this past week at 7 weeks. I’ve been surprised by my hesitancy to talk about what we’re going through, I’ve always been one to speak out on everything-having twins, leaving an abusive marriage, moving 2700 miles and starting at new marriage at 35, our fourth child’s prenatal diagnosis of Down syndrome. Reading your words helps me feel I’ll feel bold enough to speak up again and soon.

  • Reply Sadnessat42 May 28, 2015 at 1:50 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am laying in bed, a week ago today I had a D&C. I found out the day before at my 12 week check up that my baby had passed away. I’m 42 and will be 43 in 4 months. The dr with 100% certainly attributed the misscarriage to my age and my age alone. She was against me getting pregnant to begin with and I felt like it was Her way of saying “I told you so”, when it happened. I’m lost, confused, and do not know where to go from here. My angel baby was so wanted. Am I being selfish trying to conceive so late in life? Did I cause this? Do I try again? I’m not sure I could handle another loss. I’m not sure I could not handle never trying. Desperate and sad. Honestly I thought at my age the hardest thing would be conceiving, boy did I kid myself. My husband wants to be a daddy. I want to give him that. Scared out of my mind now. Help

    • Reply ModerateMuse May 28, 2015 at 2:07 am

      I am so so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for every woman who has had to go through a loss. The pain is so fresh and raw right now for you, so please be kind to yourself. Give yourself time to heal both physically and mentally. Don’t beat yourself up for something you have no control over. I hate that your doctor treated you in the manner that she did. I can’t give you medical advice or try to tell you one way or another which decisions you should make, but I can be a ear to hear you. Please know that you aren’t alone in this. Reach out to your closest friends and family and let them help you through this horrible time as well.

      • Reply Sadnessat42 May 28, 2015 at 3:21 pm

        I can’t reach out to my friends and family. They all had words of warning when I told them I was pregnant in the first place. I just don’t know what to do now. How do I get through this loss with the clock tick ticking in the background with the alarm blaring for years now. The fear and sadness makes my mind a tennis match of emotions. My husband devastated, and I feel as though I’ve taken fatherhood away from him and replace the already empty feeling of being childless to a big black hole of despair. I also think back of women in my past that have shared with me that they miscarried and while I was saddened for them never realized the extent of pain and grief they were experiencing. Thus, making me feel even more upset for not knowing and perhaps being there for them. How selfish of I to now only search the web to know the extent only once it happened to me. I need answers. Or, is it the answers I am getting that I don’t like. Your too old. You caused this because of your age. If you try again your only setting yourself up for failure, grief, and disappointment. Then, you hear all these stories of women in their 40s having healthy and happy children. It’s a horrible game of ping pong. Back and forth. It’s maddening. All these feeling flowing through every inch of you , all at odds with each other.

  • Reply ModerateMuse May 28, 2015 at 4:00 pm

    Your family most likely have words of warning because they love you and hate to see you hurting. They are just trying to protect you in the best way that they can. My family too has tried to tell me that I shouldn’t try to have more children, because they don’t want to see me get hurt again. It’s not that they don’t want me to have what my heart longs for, it is just that they are trying to protect me from more physical and emotional pain.

    Only you and your husband can make the decision of whether or not you would like to try again. Listen to the doctor’s advice but take your heart into consideration as well. Another loss is a very real possibility for anyone, regardless of age. You just have to have the courage to try if that is what you truly want.

    Also, you can’t beat yourself up for not knowing the extent of someone’s grief in the past. People can sympathize, but unless they themselves have had to endure a miscarriage, they have no idea. So please be kind to yourself. Don’t add worry and stress where it isn’t necessary. Focus on healing right now.

    If you are feeling overwhelmed and truly feel like you can’t talk to anyone in your family or friends about what you are going through, you should reach out to a support group. Most hospitals have support groups for mothers grieving the loss of pregnancies. Call your L&D to see if they can direct you. It has always been really beneficial for me to surround myself with women who understand the pain I am going through.

    I hope that you are able to find peace in your situation, whether you choose to try again or not. You will be in my prayers.

    • Reply Sadnessat42 May 28, 2015 at 4:10 pm

      You are a beautiful person. I too will have you in my heart and prayers.

  • Reply The Organized Chaos of Parenthood « June 5, 2015 at 6:14 am

    […] past few months of trying to move forward after the miscarriage have made me truly appreciate my kids. I have been trying so hard to not get swept away in the […]

  • Reply Deola June 7, 2015 at 10:13 am

    I am 28 years old and miscarried my first ever pregnancy at 14 weeks, I had a DC to because it was an incomplete abortion. The doctor gave me little information on why it happened. I have cried and cried and I just cant move past the pain. This morning I noticed wet patches on my shirt and my right breast has been leaking all day, it has thrown me into a new wave of depression, I didn’t understand what was happening to me till I came online and read up on it.
    I am still bleeding, my breast is leaking and I cant stop crying. I wonder if I will ever get over it and when it will all stop. Sadly we just moved into a new state so it just me and my husband no friends or family to lean on, I am totally freaking out! I am also out of a job so I have nothing to distract me, it feels all hopeless.

    • Reply ModerateMuse June 7, 2015 at 10:49 am

      I am so sorry for your loss Deola. My heart hurts for you as you grieve your baby. It feels like such a betrayal by your body to have both lost a baby and then to begin lactating after miscarriage. There are different ways to stop lactating, but unfortunately the bleeding takes time to heal on its own. Give your body time to heal physically and try to take steps towards healing emotionally. Especially since you are in a new state with no support system, try to find a mother’s bereavement group at your hospital. Call the nurse at your OB, tell her what you are going through, and ask her if there are any monthly meetings for moms going through the loss of a pregnancy.

      The pain feels unbearable now, because it is. Please give yourself time to process what has happened, but don’t feel pressured to be on anyone else’s timeline. Grieve however long you need to and in any way that you need to. If possible, try to get away with your husband for a weekend. Putting distance between yourself and home sometimes really helps. I hope you are able to find a way to move forward. You and your baby our in my prayers and on my heart.

      • Reply Deola June 7, 2015 at 11:09 am

        Thank you so much, after reading your reply and I realized how insensitive I was to your story only focusing on myself. Please accept my apology I can imagine how you felt because I feel it too. I live in Nigeria where things are not very organised, the hospital staff were so cold and there hasn’t been any follow up since so I dont expect much from them. Here you are supposed to get up and get on with it.
        I feel bad for my husband who has tried and tried to console me, he caught me crying some minutes ago and I know he is lost too.

        A get away will be a good idea, we discussed it half heartedly yesterday. I just hope this will pass, it just hurts so much.

        Thank you again.

      • Reply Deola June 7, 2015 at 11:14 am

        Its also difficult because here you are supposed to keep it under wraps it like a taboo talking about it, my mother told me not to all any one (most people didnt know i was pregnant anyway). So there is no one to talk too. I guess that is why I came online to search for people who have the experience.

        I never really expected a reply especially so soon, I am very grateful that a stranger will care that much.

        Thank you again.

  • Reply Ashley June 19, 2015 at 2:37 am

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. 2 weeks ago I miscarried at 11 weeks (the baby had passed at 10 weeks), while in Maine, 7 hours away from home, staying in a small camper 45 minutes away from the hospital. I had been cramping for 3 days. Friday I had a dream that I went to the doctor and there was no heartbeat, Saturday the process began. I believe God works in his own way but trying to make sense of this is unbearable at times. My husband did an excellent job of supporting me and letting me grieve while trying to grieve himself. My 11 year old didn’t know what to do. I cried for a week straight, laid on the couch all day, didn’t care about anyone or anything. Going back to work has been a great distraction. I feel guilty because I couldn’t find the baby and feel like I abandoned it in Maine. I feel like I have to be strong for everyone else and that I shouldn’t be this upset because I was “only 11 weeks”. Reading your story gives me affirmation that it’s ok to move on and I thank you for that. I’m glad I decided to look for support through blogs and other sites because I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The endless bleeding is an everyday reminder of my personal hell. But thank you from the bottom of my heart for your story. I’m glad that I too let nature take its course and told the dr I didn’t want a D&C. Thank you.

    • Reply ModerateMuse June 19, 2015 at 4:20 am

      I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby, Ashley. I’m so glad that my story could be of some help to you in finding a way to move forward. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Hearing other women tell their stories here has helped me tremendously to move forward as well. I hope that you are soon able to find some peace. God bless.

      • Reply Ashley June 19, 2015 at 11:35 pm

        I think that’s the best we can do is lean on each other. Thank you for u the kind words. My husband and I will try again soon, the doctor said we only had to wait 2 weeks, but we are nervous. The hope we hold onto is that one day we will see our little girl again in heaven and that’s all we can ask for.

  • Reply Desy June 19, 2015 at 9:25 am

    I am so sorry to know that you have undergone the same feelings which I had for last 3 weeks after knowing my baby’s heart was not beating. You are so brave to speak out .’I haven’t moved on, but I am moving forward’ – I find it very helpful. Desy

    • Reply ModerateMuse June 19, 2015 at 5:42 pm

      Thank you, Desy. I don’t feel brave, but I am so glad for the opportunity to reach out to other women. I can’t imagine having to go through this loss alone. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for reaching out to me here, it’s helpful for me as well. Hearing other women’s stories truly helps me to heal and know that I am not alone in this. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this.

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